A guide to understand women

Being a girl, I know that anybody who has a wife or a girlfriend or somebody in between understands that anything she says has a concealed meaning which the male species has not progressed with enough sensory perceptions to understand.  This excerpt addresses some common scenarios.

When she says: What should I wear for tonight’s party?  The satin sea green dress I wore last Weekend or the red gown the Sunday before?
What does it mean and How to handle it: You are in a minefield….  First of all you have no clue if she really has those dresses or if she is just testing your memory. If you make one mistake you will be going towards the “Do you even notice me anymore” discussion.  The best way to handle it is by concentrating and remembering at least one dress she owns.  If you can think of one, just say, “Why not that purple dress?”

When she says: How was your day honey?
What does it mean and How to handle it: She wants you to ask how her day was; you can evade the scene (if you are tired) by switching to a rant mode and cribbing about what awful place you went and kind of obnoxious people you congregated with.

When she says: Hey, you want to watch a light movie tonight? 
What does it mean and How to handle it: She wants to watch some tear-jerker chick flick which you may never opt to watch. The best way to handle it is to agree cheerfully to watch any movie she wants. Just stick a scotch tape to the underside of the DVD and have fun…you will get a chance to feign regret for a damaged DVD.

When she says: Our washing machine is making some rattling noises.  Can you fix it?
What does it mean and How to handle it: No doubt how much I swank about knowing technology, I am still lame duck when it comes to running a technology driven instrument. I still get edgy when I change lanes while driving. Help me come out of this techo-disturbia situation. The solution to this problem is, there is a dead rat stuck in the machine!

When she says: Hey, I am going to the mall.  Do you want me to you get you a shirt or something?
What does it mean and How to handle it: You got a tough problem on your hands.  If you say “yes”, you are obviously not going to like what she bought.  So you can’t wear it nor can you return it (and stay married).  But you can’t say “no” to the question either because then the follow-up would be, “What, you don’t like my taste?”  You can’t honestly answer the question (and stay married).  The best way to handle it is by saying, “Sure.  The plain blue shirt I wear to work is pretty ruined anyway. Can you get me the exact same shirt?”

When she says: Oh, I love this bag!  But they are just above our price range. *sigh*

What does it mean and How to handle it: She wants you to say, “Oh, you deserve them honey”. Honestly, there is no solution to this problem. This is a deadly or rather suicidal situation when you are out of the frying pan jumping into fire. Buy it now, before you piss her off.

When she says: You have no idea what happened at work today, *sob* *sob*.  I had the crappiest day.
What does it mean and How to handle it: She is looking for affection, understanding and solace. If her pout made the corners of your eyes moisten, remind yourself what kind of cheap, insensitive and thoughtless husband you are. Take her out, make her talk to her best friends and buy her chocolates/flowers.