I met a friend sometimes back, let’s call her Jasmine. She looked quite the same, except that she had put on a lot of weight and had put on some make-up to conceal those freckles which appeared before time. Time isn’t always the best healer, I thought… she smiled at me as if she understood the underlying thoughts. I started some conversation fleetingly so that there is no discomfort in the air. She sensed that, I suppose and she told me that things aren’t right with her and there is trouble in her paradise.
I was not shocked or taken aback because she has been throwing hints on her rocky marriage to me for quite sometimes now. He doesn’t listen, doesn’t care anymore, has lost his sensitivity, there is no charm etc etc. I was baffled by the series of whines. My concern wasn’t her only marriage, my concern was also the hundreds of marriages which were breaking every day. I shifted my gaze to her and asked “Did you try hard enough to make it work?” she was too angry to respond and it was plausible. According to her, is she the only one responsible to make it work? Aren’t they partners? Or aren’t they soul mates? Aren’t they supposed to work it out ‘together’?
There are number of ways to get your marriage from hard rocks to a gentle walk in the park, they say. You go see a marriage counsellor, talk to friends, enable healthy communication; you see there are so many ways to skin the cat. But the bottom line is- why isn’t it working for you? Majority thought they tried enough and their partner is not into them anymore so it’s better for them to part ways. My question is what drew you apart in the first place? I understand if someone wants to come out of an abusive relationship, or cheating partners or infidelity but people splitting because the chemistry isn’t glistening anymore and not blinding anyone with the neon flashes like it did in the beginning is way beyond my understanding. I also fail to understand why it becomes a matter of ego; he didn’t talk first, she didn’t help in rekindling the romance, he isn’t trying hard and et al.
On the flipside… maybe you should have had the chance to change/replace your siblings too. Umm let me see, the reason could be that they were not giving you enough space. They didn’t have good toilet etiquettes. Better if you could choose/replace/leave parents too. The earlier ones were too complaining and dissatisfied. Mother was too domesticated. She was not ambitious, we couldn’t relate. Parents were not progressive either. Sounds convenient?
I told Jasmine the same thing I am gonna write here. “You didn’t try hard enough”. I understand your marriage is rocky and stormy and it is beyond repair, but you can’t choose a port in storm. Can you? I told her that she is opting the easy way out. Love is reverence and worship. It is not a bandage for your dirty sores. You can’t make a love stew out of contempt and indifference. Once you are capable of love, you are incapable of anything less.
Divorce is an easy way to end a stormy relationship; hard part is to stay in the storm and save each other from getting wrecked. And we don’t try hard enough to save each other, because perhaps while taking our vows we never take the vow seriously which binds the couple in a unit. They become a unit, sans ego. They are like the beautiful pair of urchins, which flies gleefully in the sky and fades away together. Marriage is not easy, if you want easy do not get married. If you get married; bear, bow, accept – and be grateful God has given you a chance to love beyond means.
